Arguments will be the death of me!

This is what I have learned from my heated debates with my teenager.

I allow my kiddos to be online at home and after school as long as it does not hinder family activities. I also have full access to WIFI access in my house which means I can turn it off when I choose. In some cases, I do shut off WIFI for my kids; this action causes mini-meltdowns. This is the background to why I had this question and why I researched this topic. I also believe this is something most parents ask and would like answers to.

Adolescents do not like to be told what to do (NO WAY); they often argue with their parents when asked or given a directive. There are many reasons that adolescents may become argumentative with their parents. They may want more independence, disagreeing about rules and values. Believing in something so much it is hard for them to take others' perspectives into account. Trouble coping with emotions or immature thought processes regarding consequences of actions. Struggles working through conflicts with peers or adults. All or any of these situations could cause friction in your home. The following questions explore potential reasons teens may argue with their parents.

Why is my child so argumentative?

How does your child's behavior affect you? When your child becomes argumentative during an interaction, it affects you emotionally by triggering feelings of anxiety and annoyance. We also hold onto this perception that they should do what we say without argument or question. In our mind, what we say is LAW! In their mind, it is an opportunity for debate. The power lies in the discussion and who can stay calmest. 

Three triggers may cause your teen to argue with you:

• The first is puberty, the second is hormones, and the third one is independence. Puberty brings hormonal changes, which will create mood swings, emotional outbursts, and feelings of vulnerability. 

• Your teen wants to feel strong by asserting their own opinions rather than just agreeing with yours or others. 

• They seek more independence during this time, so it becomes hard for parents to understand why they want their space even though you have given them plenty before.

  What can I do about my teenagers' constant arguing?

  The most straightforward answer would be to change your perception of your child's behavior as "arguing" and seek other methods to find a middle ground. This is a challenging concept to grasp.  If we cannot change our own views on what arguing is within our relationship with our teens, then all of this information will be useless.

  There are many different reasons why the average teenager might argue with their parents. It could simply be that they feel like they know better than their parents because they are exposed to more things -  through school, sports, or even seeing it at home; I also fail at this daily. Teenagers often want more freedom and independence, which can cause them to rebel against parental figures for not giving them room to grow. They believe there is too much oversight by the "authorities" in their lives. This can create arguments between parent and child during this time where both parties think the other isn't respecting them enough. Space is critical for me and may also help you. Relationships can both grow and die in this power struggle.

  Suggestions for ending arguments with your child:

  - Try not to start an argument when you feel like you are already too upset.

  - When arguing, try to remain calm and level-headed at all costs. Sometimes taking a minute or two before joining the discussion can help control your emotions allowing for better interactions.

  - If you do lose your temper, take some time away from your child/teenager - separate yourself from them for a short while (a few minutes to an hour) as this may be triggering old memories of past arguments.

  - Listen! Just because you opened your mouth first does not mean that those words make sense, and it definitely doesn't give them credence.  Listening with love is the best way to improve communication between parents their children/teenagers.

  My point of view as a dad:

  The reality is, I write this for my own headspace and wellbeing. I am not perfect and never will be. Even after all of my education and years as a classroom educator, I find myself sliding into the "because I told you so"! Mindset. I made a comment a while back, "you get hard in the yard." In this case, the "yard" interacts with tiny humans that we hope will become strong-minded adults. We want them to question, with respect, be assertive, and be headstrong, with respect, And so many more things. If this is who we want them to be, who is their role model? I try not to fail at this, but I do.

  My hope for you as a dad, mom, or caregiver is to not give up. Our kids need us even though they may not show it all of the time. They feel comfortable enough to argue with us because we are their safe place.